Pterodactyl

This is dedicated to the love of my life, Murraykate. You may possibly know her as one of the follow: MK, Marykate, Beastinator, or Pterodactyl. Here are some reasons why the MFing Pterodactyl is probably cooler than you:

She enjoys ugly christmas sweater parties.
She wants to make a crap load of money.
She is funnier than you.
She can destroy you in Ninja, Pterodactyl or basically any game you can conceive.

For those of you who do not know Marykate, she is also Poseidon. Everyone knows Poseidon.

                   Artistic representation of Marykate?


The Pterodactyl is probably the most epic creature to have walked (flown) this planet. They also screech and make other interesting noises and basically pwn n00bs in 1337sauce.

Marykate is probably the most epic creature to have walked this planet. She also screeches and makes the most amazing laugh ever or in other words, basically pwns n00bs, hard.


                             Just like this guy.


If you were playing Bejeweled, her name would be Markyate, or Marky ate. Her name is a complete sentence! Is your name a complete sentence? Chance are it probably isn't.

And this is why you don't mess with the MFing Pterodactyl!! ARRRRAAAWWWW!!!

Lucky

         I have experienced an awful loss, my friends. My dear friend, Lucky, passed away recently after he froze to death in the recent snowstorm. I noticed that he was kind of sick recently but I had no idea to what extent. We were good friends since the middle of the summer. I always gave him a nice glass of water to drink and he would gulp it down. He was always thirsty. Unfortunately, when the winter came, he started getting paler and paler. I thought nothing too much but decided to bring him inside the house. Then I went on vacation.... when I got home, I found him, lying limp, pale as death's hand. I just wish I hadn't made the mistake to leave him out in the cold for so long. He always seemed so strong. But I guess he just couldn't take it anymore. I will sincerely miss you, Lucky, you were the best bamboo plant a boy could ever have.
Requiescat In Pace

How to Serenade A Pet

          The act of serenading a pet is a lost art, and should be revived. I practice it multiple times daily and consider myself the best in the world. Have no fear, with a few easy steps you can be as good as me... sort of. Let's start with the basics.

           First, pick a song. Any song will do, lyrics or no, just make sure it's a song that has repeating verses or whatchamacallems - like carol of the bells, which will be my example for this tutorial.
       
         Now that you have a song, think about why you love your pet. For example, I really love my dog because she is SOO cute, her ears are floppy and furry, and she is SOOOOOOO cute.

          Now we get to the hard part, rephrasing lyrics/coming up with your own. For those who are creative geniuses, such as myself, this will be no problem, but for everybody it will time consuming. For repeating lines in a song, just repeat your own line. No need to do more work than you have to. Just sing about why you love your pet. I'll give you an example of a song for your pet, I'll sing about why I love my dog, Zoey, to the theme of carol of the bell. Feel free to sing along...

I love my Zoe
I love my Zoe
I love my Zoe
I love my Zoe
She is so cute
She is so cute
She is so cute
She is so cute
I really love my Zoey 'cause she is cute and she's fluffy
Do you love my Zoey?
I really love my Zoey
You should love my Zoey
Her ears are so fluffy and floppy and they are soft
They flop when she runs and barks too
Do you love my Zoey?
I really love my Zoey
You should love my Zoey...

P.S. I think I forgot how Carol of the Bells went, so that may not flow as I had expected.

Guess What I Am

      So I was reading Facebook statuses and comments etc... and I just realized something... I have CSCD. For those of you who are unfamiliar with CSCD there are some things you should know. People do not have CSCD by choice - they are born with it. People with it require patience on your part, they know people hate it when they do it but it really isn't just something they can help. What's that? What's CSCD? You mean, you don't know?! Well, it's... Compulsive Spell Checking Disorder. People with the disorder are bothered by misspellings and Internet slang over usage. However, they are still human and make spelling errors themselves. They either do not realize they made the mistake or do not know how to spell the word. Things like 'U','R', 'dum','nukleer haulocost','dismembermint',yodling','trols' and 'hore' all bother the CSCDer very much. And I, after much thought and confusement knowing that I was different, have been telling others that I have this disorder. No need for the 'Get Well Soon' cards - I won't be getting better. I will have this disorder for the rest of my life. People are sometimes hostile and get angry and upset over me when I correct them but it's just because they don't understand my disability. I have recently applied to get a handicapped license plate and disability income. Hopefully one day, I will fit into cyber society - like you.

EDIT: Sorry about before, I type into this box that has a white background and I accidently highlighted the words yellow, so when I went to remove the highlight, I changed the color from yellow to white. But everything is well and beautiful now!

The States That Happen To Be United

        How is our country united? We are an extremely diverse population that has 'white superiority.' And I don't mean white people are the superior race, I mean that many whites refuse to accept the immigrants and the languages that they bring. We are also extremely materialistic and self centered. But let's look at the bright side: we have enough food in our trash cans to feed a small country, we have many laborers (but are too snobbish to take jobs that no one wants), we have plenty of land to waste and so on! We really are a great country.
        Let's look at a couple of states shall we? We'll go in order by which they pop into my head.

        Alaska - A very pretty state with plenty of whales, lots of glaciers, numerous mountains, a couple mountain people and last but not least, plenty of black gold. If you can find someone, you probably aren't in Alaska.
        New Mexico - Named quite appropriately! This state, bordering Mexico, is recalling from a Nat Geo documentary is like 45% Mexican/Hispanic. And possibly one of the most over looked states in the country.
       Nebraska - Who knows?
       Delaware - The most boring, uninteresting, lowest populated state. The north is an industrial wasteland and the south is, well... the south.
       Georgia - The only thing that comes to mind is 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' which may or may not have taken place in Georgia.
       Vermont- Quite snowy with a very good ski season.
       Michigan- One foot in the U.S. one foot in Canada.
       Virginia - Is it in the north or in the south?
       Florida - The two extremes, really old people and really young kids. Disneyland, hello?
      And I don't really feel like typing anymore.
      
       

Humor Through the Years

       Good day my kindly readers! Today, I would like to talk to you about humor. As we grow up, or sense of humor matures with us. In this post, we will examine each era of our life.

       Age: Less than 5 - The Age of Innocence - In this part of our life, we are just learning our words, so much of our humor comes from facial expressions and amusing actions from Peek-a-boo to Winnie the Pooh (holy crap, that was so extremely clever, kudos to myself!). But The Age of Innocence is short lived and we are soon off to the next phase.

       Age: 6-9 - The Age of Bodily Functions - Here, we are discovering things about our bodies and soon discovering the differences between male and female. We think words like, "poop" and "dookie" are the most hilarious things since AFV (with the good host, not the crappy new one).  We also think "peepees" are some of the strangest things and we cannot fathom why girls are lacking them.

       Age: 10-18 (and in some cases, onwards) - The Age of Sex and Sexism - Now we have come across the hormonal teenage years. According to a recent made up poll, 96% of jokes in this age are somehow related to sex. We find jokes like "A tree falls on a woman, does anyone hear it? - That's not important, the important thing is what's a tree is doing in the kitchen." and other related jokes. And if a joke is pure, an impure thought is applied by someone in the audience.

[Skipping Ahead Several Years... Loading....]

      Age: 50+ - The Age of Dry Humor and Politics - Now we have lived our lives and are settling down from the roaring 20s, the busy 30s, the annoying 40s and are about to live out the monotonous 50s. The newest generation does not understand our jokes and/or find them completely void of any humor. We find jokes like, "What's the Difference Between Palin and Bush? Lipstick". Haha - not funny.

      And this is why, we kids are completely incompatible with our parents.

Noël (With the amazazing umlaut over the 'e')

         This post is dedicated to my best friend with whom I spent a week with at a summer campish for my school's stupid service program. So, for those of you who are not familiar with/aren't Noël, this is probably going to make no sense to you, whatsoever. And that may or may not be a word. We had the most awesome conversation last night on Facebook Chat where half of what I typed was 'OMGOSH!!' and other words entirely capitalized with excessive exclamation points. Let's get to the starting line, shall we?
        Dear Noël,
         I would like to recall the first sighting of you. Well, our youth minister was doing a silly/stupid and slightly effective 'ice breaker' with us noobies. You came in late. I think. Anyways, we were playing Two Truths and a Lie. Your truths were: I like to play Grand Theft Auto and I play bass guitar. I don't remember what your lie was. Everyone was like, "Woahzies, that girlz got mad skillz yo!" And I was thinking, "That's cool."
        Next we come across your first words to me. Those words were, "I like your flip flops." So I was all like, "Haha thank you, I like your's too." I think I said that... These words were spoken in the gymnasium close to dinner time. And for the record, the gym floor looked like there was dirt engrained into the wood. No joke. And it smelled like humidity and wood.
        Then we come to the knot tieing. We were assigned to the same group. We discussed questions like, "Where did you see Jesus today?" and we would give some B.S.ed answer and write like one word, against what our 'group leader' said (She was kind of pushing us to write more). And, I saw Jesus in a grilled cheese sandwhich, mind you (I made myself lulz. UNRELATED NOTE: This makes me think of the line from the Wizard of Oz that I interpret as "Are you a good witch, or a sandwich?"). We talked and stuff, made each other laugh hysterically and came up with our super duper handy dandy inside joke.
        Then we came to the emotional bonding. Our main one being Runescape. RUNESCAPE FTW!!  Yeah man. Then we all did these note things of which the name escapes me and I think I said the truth about everyone except Gabby and Stephanie. Mainly because I had no idea what to put for them (Gabby: I don't understand why we haven't stopped the oil spill yet, let's just put a giant tampon in the well."). And then you found the hot and steamy romance novels, two actually. And we had LOLs (Lots of laughs) over those. And the closing ceremony kind of thing, that was pretty chill, right? And your parents lived like, two minutes away and they were late... and so was my mom who was at the house dedication. And then, not too long ago, we had the most AMAZING conversation ever. In fact, the conversation was so unbelievably amazing that I couldn't fall asleep for over 45 minutes because our conversation was THAT amazing.
        Let's just be Kids and have a Time to Pretend that we all have kind of an Electric Feel, mkay? Mkay.
         I love you, Noël!!
   Mark.

P.S. SHED.
P.S.S. If you're not at the reunion I'ma beat down your front door to find you, got it? Mkay.