Cellphones Suck

         There are so many reasons cellphones suck. In fact, many people did not have cellphones 900 years ago. I know, it's unbelievable. Like, how could they live like that? Were they some kind of savage barbarians?

         So now, back to my reasons. You are always forgetting where you last put your cellphone. This happens so often that you probably waste 90% of your life looking for your cellphone. Plus, cellphones keep getting smaller and therefore, harder to find. A brick phone is much easier to find than a stupid Razor or something stupidly small phone like that.
         Phones are constantly dropping, breaking and getting wet. I think I voided the warranty on my phone battery because I heard about that red "x" thing that turns into something different via magical means and so I decided to put it to the test and licked the battery of my phone. Surely enough, the red x's changed into red blotchy blobs.
         Phones are stupidly expensive. I refuse to pay $200 dollars for a phone that can break easier than my laptop and do half of what it can do, slower. I have no problem with people that do, and you can argue with me all you want, but I'm pretty stubborn on that.
        Phones are being updated so often that once you get a phone, within a month, something better comes out. Like the Droid. That's a seriously cool phone. But, what about the Droid X, Droid Incredible and so on. The Envy (or whatever it's called) was orginally pretty cool but then the Voyager, Envy 2, Envy Touch, and Envy 3 came out and now the Envy and Envy 2 are seriously outdated phones.
       Phones give off radiation, and therefore give you cancer. But what dosen't? I know.
      Phones are irritating. They go off in church, movies, and when you don't want to talk to someone you press "ignore" and then they know that either you are unable to talk or you a demon for ignoring their call. You're trying to talk to a friend but they're texting or you are in an situation where you have nothing to do so you check your phone every 30 seconds. Their batteries last 3 seconds in the cold. They have the worst default ringtones. Their games suck. You never have reception in an area that you really need it (I've gone on two vacations where we were totally isolated from any cellphone towers: West Virginia and Michigan). And people prank call you. This dosen't really affect me because if I don't have the number programmed into my phone or it's restricted then I don't answer. And speaking of prank callers, you guys are really rude. I was once eating lunch with my grandma and someone kept trying to prank call me. Do you realize how inconsiderate that is? And they would call over and over and over again.
        Cellphones - go to hell.

Types of People and the Cars They Drive

         Life is a bunch of group of people that are superior/inferior to each other in the social hierarchy. We'll start off with the lowest.

        Below Anything People - $500-$5000 car - These people are generally uninsured drivers who bought the car used and cannot afford anything better. They bought the Honda Civic because it never dies and probably never will die. Honda Civics are like really boring super heroes - like a superhero who can not get hurt but dosen't do anything to put him in the way of getting hurt.

        Low to Average People - $6000-$19,000 car - These people DO have insurance and will buy a used car that it is pretty good or a new car, like a Kia Soul or Scion tC. They can be teachers or office drones or anything that makes an median annual salary. For those who don't know, the two cars that I had mentioned are not much more than a car from a forced injection plastic mold. They have more plastic than a McDonalds Happy Meal toy (which are 80% plastic, 20% lead).

        Above Average People - $20,000-$35,000 car - These people are usually in healthcare or some other pretty good paying job. Usually like a Volkswagen or Hyundai or something. Very good cars that will last about half the time of the Honda Civic. This is the broadest category of people.

        Extraordinary People - $36,000-$60,000 - These people have very high paying jobs that can afford expensive cars like BMWs, Mercedes, Audis, Infinitis, Lexuses and so on. These people have the cars that we all wish we owned but know that we can't afford. Snobbishness may or may not be included.

        Modestly Rich People - $61,000-$100,000 - These people have a lot of extra spending money and are usually like doctors and dentists and stuff. They have the upper end luxury cars like Range Rovers and high ranging models of Mercedes, BMWs, Audis, Infinitis, Lexuses, etc... These people are rich but when we tell them that they are rich they smile and deny that they just like to spoil themselves every now and then but we all see through their lies.

        Above Anything People - $100,000+  - These people have the Audi R8s, Maseratis, and range topping Mercedes, BMWs, Audis, Lexuses and stuffs. These are the people when we call them rich, they just smile and just shrug it off. Strangely, rich people are always the nicest people of all the modern social hierarchy.

         Our super modern world has yet to abandon social hierarchy. It's there, and I know it; people need to stop saying that it isn't. IT IS!!

I Hate Everything

         Do you ever get that feeling where everything that dosen't go perfectly (which next to nothing does) makes you super ticked off? Yeah I'm having that feeling...
        It all starts with a parent making you do stuff that you don't want to do. In this case, my dad wanted me to pass the green beans to the person next to me. Normally, this dosen't bother me at all, but for some reason I got really annoyed. I mean, why can't he just get up and walk it over to the other person instead of inconviencing someone else so they can have more time. Sounds pretty selfish to me. Then my brother and his girlfriend were telling some stupid story that I don't remember and don't care about. I was basically trying to listen to the story without having to reach for the greenbeans. They kept blabbering and I kept getting more annoyed at why they weren't passing me the greenbeans when I hadn't told them I wanted them. Shouldn't they know that I want the greenbeans if I'm telling them telepathically? YES!! So then I rudely interupted and gave in and asked them for the gosh darned to heck greenbeans. And they passed it to me willingly, which made me angrier.
        Then I got on the computer and tried to click a button in the web browser but a pop-up thought I rolled my mouse over it and started shouting at me why the "SUPER GREEN AND TOTALLY AWESOME FORD FIESTA WAS TOTALLY RIGHT FOR ME!" BUT IT ISN'T GOSH DARN IT!! I DON'T WANT A STUPID FORD FIESTA! NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU STUPID AD AND LET ME CLICK THE GOSH DARNED BUTTON!! So then I clicked the button after exiting out of the annoying Ford Fiesta ad.
        Next I typed into the URL box "fac" wanting it to auto complete and list facebook.com for me so I could hit the down arrow and enter button and zip off to facebook. But noooooo, it didn't happen that way. Instead, I didn't hit the down arrow or missed it and it took me to "fac" which it didn't recognize. It gave me REALLY annoying web page that told me "fac" was non existant. That got me super angry; some how it is the computer's fault why I didn't hit the down arrow. Stupid computer. Now I'm listening to the movie 2012 and I'm annoyed with it because the guy is in a car listening to OHMYGODITSSOANNOYING radio station. And I'm here typing it all down here for your entertainment. Be glad - be very, very glad...

Freakishly Awesome Things

        We've all heard of them, that one thing that is highlight of your life; it's the Freakishly Awesome Thing. The Freakishly Awesome Thing differs from person to person and one usually has no problem enthusing about why such Thing is so Freakishly Awesome. For example: my Freakishly Awesome Thing is cars. I can tell you all about cars - which ones are good, bad, expensive, cheap and so on.
         There is also another freakishly awesome thing. It can be anything, really. Like tiny kittens, puppies or something so undeniably cute that you lose all knowledge of modern English and must resort to simple uncoordinated mouth sounds. Like "d'awwh", "umigoditsofriggincute", "eep","coochie coo" and "google." Yes, the uber corporation 'Google' got it's name when the founder saw something so incredibly cute that he was at loss for words. Or maybe even oscillating fans are freakishly awesome. I mean, they basically keep you cool and keep blowing air on you no matter how much paper you stick in them. Oscillating fans love us and try so hard to keep us happy. And yes, I'm referring to oscillating fans as living creatures. Why? Because I think they're cute.
        Girls find many things freakishly awesome. Such things may include but are not limited to: fuzzy socks, make-up, kittens, nuclear holocausts, puppies and candy. Men find a couple things freakishly awesome that include all of the following but again, is not limited to: beer, porn, sports, cars, girls and brochachos.
       Even different professions may find things freakishly awesome, here is a list I have conjured up out of thin air:

Dentists - Flossing
Teachers - Homework
Doctors - Needles
Telemarketers - Being Indian

        Going off on a totally unrelated topic, have you ever been to a website where it was like, "HEY YOU!! YOU SHOULD CALL US IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS!! And it has a picture of a really cute/hot girl in a headset smiling stupidly like she is super happy to help angry people with their problems. In reality, you get connected with an Indian guy that hardly speaks a lick of English and has no clue what is wrong with whatever you need help with. And you have to go through six hours of redundant computers telling you to please hold in a kind, soothing and totally synthesized voice. And you have to wait on the phone listening to Nickelback play through the phone while you wait. Alright enough of that...
        So as you can see, there are many freakishly awesome things and infinitely many subcategories you can divide it into. You can just image a really cute girl in a headset smiling brilliantly as though she is so eager to find out more about you and when you ask her a question she has a male Indian voice. What a mood killer...

       

Perception of time

         You know the saying, "Time flies when your having fun?" It does, and it sucks. It's God's way of getting back at us and forcing us to be miserable that way we have seemingly small amounts of fun and tons of boringness. Today, I had the dumbest class called "Sacred Scripture." The class was so awfully boring that I think I'm actually dead and now typing this from beyond the grave. I'm a visible ghost. The lamest kind of ghost. Go back much farther in time when I was in Michigan over summer break when I was having crap loads of fun. A boat trip that lasted a whole day felt like several hours. How stupid is that?! I mean, how can I enjoy life when it is full of boring wastefulness? I can't, that's how.
        If I'm rocking out to "Cobrastyle" by The Teddybears which is about a three and a half minute song, and it seems to only last a minute; how can I rock to the song to it's full potential. On the unrelated side: I'm quite entertaining whilst rocking out to an awesome song.
        On the other side of things - how about your favorite show? It's probably an hour or a half an hour long. Yet you lose 10-20 minutes from commercials. And those commercials seem to last FOREVER (Except the really entertaining ones) !! And what really bothers me is when they play the same commercial twice in a row. And I just saw two interesting commercials. One was for almond milk. Milk do not have boobs. Therefore, it cannot produce milk. Almond milk is a lie. And secondly is the Allstate commercials where the guy in the pink headband and weights in each hand is all like, "I'm a hot babe out jogging." It made me lulz.
        As we can all very clearly see, God is out to get us. He wants us to have a dreadfully boring life with short bursts of fun only to be knocked down by more boringness. How lame...

Videos games are far from reality...

        Think of this, you are swimming in a pool at your friend's house. You're in the deep end when this stranger comes by and removes the exit ladder. You start to panic when you realize that you are doomed and cannot get out of a pool without an exit ladder. If you are not familiar with this game that I'm describing, it would be "The Sims". Now don't get me wrong, it's an awesome game (a little tedious after awhile) but seriously? If you are upset with one of your family members and can't wait for them to move out - send them to the pool! Or another way is to simply build four walls around them and wait for them to starve.
        Now you are in a sports car going six quadrillion miles per hour and you rear end a car at a stop light. What do you think happened? If you said death, dents, doom, disaster or anything related to those, you would be wrong. What actually happened is the car was pushed out of the way and your car is unharmed. No airbags - no harm, right? Right. This game is Test Drive Unlimited.
        You are probably thinking that those are just games. Oh how very wrong you are! They are both simulator games. Simulator meaning a life simulation. So the moral of the story is: if you see a pool on a hot humid summer day without an exit ladder, resist temptation. Or you will die. But if you ram into a car at a million billion miles an hour, that's OK.

Optimism Vs. Pessimism

        I like to think of this topic less like optimism and pessimism, but more like extreme surrealism to extreme realism. Let us look at a few examples:


        Situation 1: A car just got sideswiped in front of you while driving along a city road.
        Optimist's Mind: Oh deary me! That poor fellow in front of me was pummeled by a tractor trailer and his head is no longer present on his body! Oh well, I'm sure the doctors have some radical new treatment to repair his now eviscerated, lifeless corpse.
        Pessimist's Mind: HOLY FREAKIN' CRAP! That dude just was just a bug splatter on that truck's windshield! His body is probably just a soup now inside his car! Dude that guy is DEAD! In fact, he's worse than dead. There isn't even an words to describe how surely dead that dudeski is.

        Situation 2: You are depositing money in a bank when a whole bunch of robbers in ski masks bash through the door.
        Optimist's Mind: Good golly! Those are some angry people! It's okay, we'll all be fine. That's what we pay the police for afterall. It's all going to be alright.
        Pessimist's Mind: Oh-my-god. Dear Lord, I am so sorry for all the bad things that I have done and stuff. Please forgive me before we all die in a bloody massacre.

        Now, tell me this. Which is more likely to happen:
        Ex 1- Flying unicorns poop technicolor rainbow terds while dancing with elves whilst drinking morning dew off of toadstools.
        Ex 2- Horses poop brown smelly terds while standing in a poopy straw trailer while it goes over a speed bump.

        If you chose Ex 2, you would be correct. It's also the pessimist answer. So if you are not on drugs, you are a pessimist. And that is why hippies are stupid and optimistic. What an awesome way to end a post...
      

Welcome to monotony!

        Good day my fine citizens! My name is Mark and I will be talking you through this unimportant event in your life. I'm new to this so you'll have to forgive me for the boringness for awhile. Afterall, I'm just typing into a text box, not really knowing what is going to happen after publishing.
        So! I'm quite the fascinating ordinary person! In fact, I'm not just ordinary, I'm exta-ordinary. You may think this is the same word as extraordinary, however, it is quite the opposite. I'm the most average and painfully ordinary person you can imagine.
        Some call me crazy, and I would agree, sort of. I'm not a serial-killer crazy, no one likes that kind of crazy. I like to kind of think of myself as a likeable humerous crazy. As in, I will do an awesome lip synch to "King of Anything" by Sara Barielles. And yes, I'm amazing at it.
        I like to talk in different ways, so you may see me talking like this: "LIKE OH MAH GAH! WHO BE DIGGIN' IN 'DIS OATMEAL OVER HURR?" Or in other circumstances I may take a different approach: "This inferior Homosapien say's that after the combustion of two different elements they form another element. Hah! I laugh at his inferior mental computations!" To be honest, I don't really talk like that - ever. But what if I did? That would be a seriously annoying person. But some probably think I already am annoying. Oh well!
        If you have any suggestions on which I should talk about, I will gladly accept! Ideas would be greatly appreciated in my imaginative world that sometimes lack any substance. And by that I mean that my brain runs dry on ideas frequently.
        So now to end this post I say to you, "Buckle in yourselves, because I plan on being a super awesome blogger who may or may not get tired of blogging after a week or so." Who knows?