Guess What I Am

      So I was reading Facebook statuses and comments etc... and I just realized something... I have CSCD. For those of you who are unfamiliar with CSCD there are some things you should know. People do not have CSCD by choice - they are born with it. People with it require patience on your part, they know people hate it when they do it but it really isn't just something they can help. What's that? What's CSCD? You mean, you don't know?! Well, it's... Compulsive Spell Checking Disorder. People with the disorder are bothered by misspellings and Internet slang over usage. However, they are still human and make spelling errors themselves. They either do not realize they made the mistake or do not know how to spell the word. Things like 'U','R', 'dum','nukleer haulocost','dismembermint',yodling','trols' and 'hore' all bother the CSCDer very much. And I, after much thought and confusement knowing that I was different, have been telling others that I have this disorder. No need for the 'Get Well Soon' cards - I won't be getting better. I will have this disorder for the rest of my life. People are sometimes hostile and get angry and upset over me when I correct them but it's just because they don't understand my disability. I have recently applied to get a handicapped license plate and disability income. Hopefully one day, I will fit into cyber society - like you.

EDIT: Sorry about before, I type into this box that has a white background and I accidently highlighted the words yellow, so when I went to remove the highlight, I changed the color from yellow to white. But everything is well and beautiful now!

The States That Happen To Be United

        How is our country united? We are an extremely diverse population that has 'white superiority.' And I don't mean white people are the superior race, I mean that many whites refuse to accept the immigrants and the languages that they bring. We are also extremely materialistic and self centered. But let's look at the bright side: we have enough food in our trash cans to feed a small country, we have many laborers (but are too snobbish to take jobs that no one wants), we have plenty of land to waste and so on! We really are a great country.
        Let's look at a couple of states shall we? We'll go in order by which they pop into my head.

        Alaska - A very pretty state with plenty of whales, lots of glaciers, numerous mountains, a couple mountain people and last but not least, plenty of black gold. If you can find someone, you probably aren't in Alaska.
        New Mexico - Named quite appropriately! This state, bordering Mexico, is recalling from a Nat Geo documentary is like 45% Mexican/Hispanic. And possibly one of the most over looked states in the country.
       Nebraska - Who knows?
       Delaware - The most boring, uninteresting, lowest populated state. The north is an industrial wasteland and the south is, well... the south.
       Georgia - The only thing that comes to mind is 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' which may or may not have taken place in Georgia.
       Vermont- Quite snowy with a very good ski season.
       Michigan- One foot in the U.S. one foot in Canada.
       Virginia - Is it in the north or in the south?
       Florida - The two extremes, really old people and really young kids. Disneyland, hello?
      And I don't really feel like typing anymore.
      
       

Humor Through the Years

       Good day my kindly readers! Today, I would like to talk to you about humor. As we grow up, or sense of humor matures with us. In this post, we will examine each era of our life.

       Age: Less than 5 - The Age of Innocence - In this part of our life, we are just learning our words, so much of our humor comes from facial expressions and amusing actions from Peek-a-boo to Winnie the Pooh (holy crap, that was so extremely clever, kudos to myself!). But The Age of Innocence is short lived and we are soon off to the next phase.

       Age: 6-9 - The Age of Bodily Functions - Here, we are discovering things about our bodies and soon discovering the differences between male and female. We think words like, "poop" and "dookie" are the most hilarious things since AFV (with the good host, not the crappy new one).  We also think "peepees" are some of the strangest things and we cannot fathom why girls are lacking them.

       Age: 10-18 (and in some cases, onwards) - The Age of Sex and Sexism - Now we have come across the hormonal teenage years. According to a recent made up poll, 96% of jokes in this age are somehow related to sex. We find jokes like "A tree falls on a woman, does anyone hear it? - That's not important, the important thing is what's a tree is doing in the kitchen." and other related jokes. And if a joke is pure, an impure thought is applied by someone in the audience.

[Skipping Ahead Several Years... Loading....]

      Age: 50+ - The Age of Dry Humor and Politics - Now we have lived our lives and are settling down from the roaring 20s, the busy 30s, the annoying 40s and are about to live out the monotonous 50s. The newest generation does not understand our jokes and/or find them completely void of any humor. We find jokes like, "What's the Difference Between Palin and Bush? Lipstick". Haha - not funny.

      And this is why, we kids are completely incompatible with our parents.

Noël (With the amazazing umlaut over the 'e')

         This post is dedicated to my best friend with whom I spent a week with at a summer campish for my school's stupid service program. So, for those of you who are not familiar with/aren't Noël, this is probably going to make no sense to you, whatsoever. And that may or may not be a word. We had the most awesome conversation last night on Facebook Chat where half of what I typed was 'OMGOSH!!' and other words entirely capitalized with excessive exclamation points. Let's get to the starting line, shall we?
        Dear Noël,
         I would like to recall the first sighting of you. Well, our youth minister was doing a silly/stupid and slightly effective 'ice breaker' with us noobies. You came in late. I think. Anyways, we were playing Two Truths and a Lie. Your truths were: I like to play Grand Theft Auto and I play bass guitar. I don't remember what your lie was. Everyone was like, "Woahzies, that girlz got mad skillz yo!" And I was thinking, "That's cool."
        Next we come across your first words to me. Those words were, "I like your flip flops." So I was all like, "Haha thank you, I like your's too." I think I said that... These words were spoken in the gymnasium close to dinner time. And for the record, the gym floor looked like there was dirt engrained into the wood. No joke. And it smelled like humidity and wood.
        Then we come to the knot tieing. We were assigned to the same group. We discussed questions like, "Where did you see Jesus today?" and we would give some B.S.ed answer and write like one word, against what our 'group leader' said (She was kind of pushing us to write more). And, I saw Jesus in a grilled cheese sandwhich, mind you (I made myself lulz. UNRELATED NOTE: This makes me think of the line from the Wizard of Oz that I interpret as "Are you a good witch, or a sandwich?"). We talked and stuff, made each other laugh hysterically and came up with our super duper handy dandy inside joke.
        Then we came to the emotional bonding. Our main one being Runescape. RUNESCAPE FTW!!  Yeah man. Then we all did these note things of which the name escapes me and I think I said the truth about everyone except Gabby and Stephanie. Mainly because I had no idea what to put for them (Gabby: I don't understand why we haven't stopped the oil spill yet, let's just put a giant tampon in the well."). And then you found the hot and steamy romance novels, two actually. And we had LOLs (Lots of laughs) over those. And the closing ceremony kind of thing, that was pretty chill, right? And your parents lived like, two minutes away and they were late... and so was my mom who was at the house dedication. And then, not too long ago, we had the most AMAZING conversation ever. In fact, the conversation was so unbelievably amazing that I couldn't fall asleep for over 45 minutes because our conversation was THAT amazing.
        Let's just be Kids and have a Time to Pretend that we all have kind of an Electric Feel, mkay? Mkay.
         I love you, Noël!!
   Mark.

P.S. SHED.
P.S.S. If you're not at the reunion I'ma beat down your front door to find you, got it? Mkay.

The Most Intense Letter - X

        You know all those letters you learned in kindergarten? Well, only one is super awesome. That is the letter "X". Because 'X' is such an intense letter, it used very little, and even less at the beginning of words. Some words try replicate the sounding of 'X' but it loses all intensity after an 'E' is put before it. So the only word that comes to mind when you think of the letter 'X' in the beginning of a word is xylophone. Which is an intense instrument.
         Then there are impostor words. They are used to describe something in intense and include the sound of  'X'. Such words are, but are not limited to: extreme, extol, exhilarate, exterminate, extinct, excommunicate, excavate, existence, exalt and extravagance. Some people try to make them intense by purposely yet tastefully misspelling the intense word. For example: X-TREME!! The misspelled word is almost always followed by one or more exclamation points to add sheer intensity to the word. But there is always a way to ruin this annexed (Eh?) intensity. Like this: X-TREME!!!111111.   The intense emphasis on 'x-treme' has been ruined by improper shift key technique. On an off topic basis, did you know that the baby food maker "Gerber" also makes knives. That's one X-TREME!!! baby food. Who wouldn't want to feed their babies food that was made in conjunction with EFFING KNIVES??!!

         I would like to start this off with naming one drastically boring class. Sacred Scripture. In fact, this class is so boring, humans evolve drastically each class because it is so long and SO boring. My friend Hugh does a good job of making it go slightly faster. And by slightly faster I mean, instead of eons, it takes a millennium. Humans will probably be sea creatures by the end of this year. There are seriously no English words to describe the intense borningness (oxymoron?) The teacher speaks in a completely flat tone, with no sense of urgency or emphasis on ANYTHING. It is also very hot. And when I say hot, I’m talkin’ like, center of the sun hot. And he doesn’t listen when we say it is hot. It was nice and cool outside one day when we were taking a test but he had the windows closed because the teacher in the period beforehand had closed them. After I finished sweating out all fluid in my body and handed in my test, I suggested that he or I open the windows. I guess he didn’t hear me because he just smile smugly. I gaped at him when he just sat at his desk. I asked again. Maybe he didn’t hear me or maybe he hates me. He ignored me again. I never had an urge to punch a priest until then. Don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for priests but COME ON!!! Anger makes your body heat rise too….




        My second boring class is a highly anticipated class. Driver’s education. My teacher is basically constantly pulling up his pants till they’re above his chin and is talking in a stupid voice. And when he coughs, his whole body is like, thrust upward as if he is coughing himself up. It’s odd. We also watch a lot of boring movies. Do I CARE that people got radio knobs stuck in their heads in the 1960s dictated to me from a 1985 tape. It’s silly. Is it really that difficult to purchase newer driver’s education material? Is it really necessary to use severely outdated material where kids though “Cool beans” was a way of saying that the car was one they wanted or something like that. “Cool beans” is not a way to describe driver’s ed. One day we had first lunch



(there are three lunch periods at my school

First Lunch- 1, 2, 3, Lunch, 4, 5, 6

Second Lunch- 1,2,3,4 ½, Lunch, 4 ½, 5, 6

Third Lunch- 1,2,3,4, Lunch, 5, 6)



         And then proceeded to Driver’s Ed (fourth period) but he wasn’t there. He wasn’t there after 5 minutes. After 5 minutes we are supposed to go to the library for an open period for the remainder of a class. About halfway through 4th period, he shows up at the library, acting like it was our fault that he was late. He didn’t know what lunch we had… It was a stupid situation… We were so close to a cool beans, open period.

Cellphones Suck

         There are so many reasons cellphones suck. In fact, many people did not have cellphones 900 years ago. I know, it's unbelievable. Like, how could they live like that? Were they some kind of savage barbarians?

         So now, back to my reasons. You are always forgetting where you last put your cellphone. This happens so often that you probably waste 90% of your life looking for your cellphone. Plus, cellphones keep getting smaller and therefore, harder to find. A brick phone is much easier to find than a stupid Razor or something stupidly small phone like that.
         Phones are constantly dropping, breaking and getting wet. I think I voided the warranty on my phone battery because I heard about that red "x" thing that turns into something different via magical means and so I decided to put it to the test and licked the battery of my phone. Surely enough, the red x's changed into red blotchy blobs.
         Phones are stupidly expensive. I refuse to pay $200 dollars for a phone that can break easier than my laptop and do half of what it can do, slower. I have no problem with people that do, and you can argue with me all you want, but I'm pretty stubborn on that.
        Phones are being updated so often that once you get a phone, within a month, something better comes out. Like the Droid. That's a seriously cool phone. But, what about the Droid X, Droid Incredible and so on. The Envy (or whatever it's called) was orginally pretty cool but then the Voyager, Envy 2, Envy Touch, and Envy 3 came out and now the Envy and Envy 2 are seriously outdated phones.
       Phones give off radiation, and therefore give you cancer. But what dosen't? I know.
      Phones are irritating. They go off in church, movies, and when you don't want to talk to someone you press "ignore" and then they know that either you are unable to talk or you a demon for ignoring their call. You're trying to talk to a friend but they're texting or you are in an situation where you have nothing to do so you check your phone every 30 seconds. Their batteries last 3 seconds in the cold. They have the worst default ringtones. Their games suck. You never have reception in an area that you really need it (I've gone on two vacations where we were totally isolated from any cellphone towers: West Virginia and Michigan). And people prank call you. This dosen't really affect me because if I don't have the number programmed into my phone or it's restricted then I don't answer. And speaking of prank callers, you guys are really rude. I was once eating lunch with my grandma and someone kept trying to prank call me. Do you realize how inconsiderate that is? And they would call over and over and over again.
        Cellphones - go to hell.